You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
