I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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