I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
