i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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