The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
