I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
