You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
