well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
