I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
