The maid of honor just puked.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
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I take back everything I said about communal showers
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
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the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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