Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
