The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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