did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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