dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
