I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
