i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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