so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
