I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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