ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
