Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
