I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
