i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
