I will die if light touches me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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