i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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