I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm too high and old for this...
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