I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
