I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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