I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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