My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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