This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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