and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
