I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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