me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
