Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
