Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
