if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
