my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
