she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
