Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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