I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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