New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
