Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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