i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
