I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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