why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
