mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
