I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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