I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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