You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
