im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
