Kareoke will never be a sober sport
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
