Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
