I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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