finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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