2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
