You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
