FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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