apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
