Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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