I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
