she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
