so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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