Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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