U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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